Individuals who have grown up in dysfunctional families have experienced pain and trauma from the words and actions of their parents. As adults, these people lack the healthy role models that demonstrated what healthy parenting and a healthy spousal relationship looks like. The results of growing up in a dysfunctional family can be numerous. Many people hide from the pain of those experiences by using alcohol, drugs, and other potentially destructive activities. Many do not realize how dysfunctional their families were, and thus perpetuate the same unhealthy models in their own spousal and parenting relationships. In his excellent and now famous book Healing the Shame That Binds You, therapist John Bradshaw writes of his own journey into alcoholism caused by his shame, and the cycle of drinking and shame that resulted. Though John died in 2016, the counselors at his therapy practice have made a digital version of his book available for free. The printed book is widely available, and used copies can literally be had for pennies. In chapter two of Healing the Shame That Binds You, John lists the “7 Rules Of Dysfunctional Families.” Do you recognize any of these from your own family, either during your growing up years or today? If so, please contact me. I would love to work with you to solutions appropriate to your needs. The Dysfunctional Family Rules 1. Control — One must be in control of all interactions, feelings and personal behavior at all times . . . control is the major defense strategy for shame. 2. Perfectionism — Always be right in everything you do. The perfectionist rule always involves a measurement that is being imposed. The fear and avoidance of the negative is the organizing principle of life. The members live according to an externalized image. No one ever measures up. 3. Blame— Whenever things don't turn out as planned, blame yourself or others. Blame is another defensive cover-up for shame . . . Blame maintains the balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down. 4. Denial Of The Five Freedoms — The five freedoms, first enunciated by Virginia Satir, describe full personal functionality. Each freedom has to do with a basic human power . . . the power to perceive; to think and interpret; to feel; to want and choose; and the power to imagine. In shame-based families, the perfectionist rule prohibits the full expression of these powers. It says you shouldn't perceive, think, feel, desire or imagine the way you do. You should do these the way the perfectionistic ideal demands. 5. The No-Talk Rule — This rule prohibits the full expression of any feeling, need or want. In shame-based families, the members want to hide their true feelings, needs or wants. Therefore, no one speaks of his loneliness and sense of self-rupture. 6. Don't Make Mistakes — Mistakes reveal the flawed vulnerable self. To acknowledge a mistake is to open oneself to scrutiny. Cover up your own mistakes and if someone else makes a mistake, shame him. 7. Unreliability — Don't expect reliability in relationships. Don't trust anyone and you will never be disappointed. The parents didn't get their developmental dependency needs met and will not be there for their children to depend on. The distrust cycle goes on.
Reference
Bradshaw, J. (n.d.) Healing the shame that binds you. Retrieved from: https://creativegrowth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/bradshaw_shame-1.pdf. 39-40.