My husband recently had a colleague die. Previous to her death, he was looking for help knowing what to say to her. In an excellent book by Beacon Hill Press, What To Say When You Don't Know What To Say, he came across the following ways a person can share the grief of a friend.

Often when a person you love is grieving, your simple presence if far more profound than anything that can come out of your mouth.

Grief Sharers Offer Themselves

You didn’t show up with prepackaged words;

you merely said, “I’m here.”

You didn’t say, “Call me if I can help”;

you asked, “How can I help you?”

You didn’t say, “God must know best”;

you said, “God’s got some explaining to do on this one.”

You didn’t quote scriptures;

you held my hand and got me a fresh cup of coffee.

You didn’t walk away when I was angry;

you took the brunt of my words and my anger.

You didn’t make everything “all better”;

you made a difference.

You didn’t give me any books or tracks or pamphlets;

you gave me big chunks of time.

You didn’t try to answer my questions;

you admitted that you had your own.

You didn’t offer platitudes and certaintudes;

you cleaned my bathroom.

You didn’t hum any little feel-good choruses;

you sang, “Jesus loves you, this I know . . .”

on my answering machine.

You didn’t try to be Holy Joe;

you were you, God’s representative in this mess.

You didn’t try to rush me through my grief;

you said, “In time. In time.”

You didn’t recite Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief;

you made me look at my thumbprint

and said, “Your grief is just as unique.”

You didn’t say when I called, “Do you know what time it is?”;

you said, “What’s on your mind?”

You never once reminded me that my grief inconvenienced you;

you kept assuring me, “I’m here for you.”

You didn’t quote scripture to me;

you lived out scripture to me.

I never had to ask, “Does Jesus care?”

because I knew Jesus cared through you.

--Harold Ivan Smith

#grief #mourning